MIRACULOUS SIGHTINGS ABOUND

The recent May 2009 revelation by Pastafarian Bobby Henderson (Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster) of the appearance of the Great Spaghedeity in the oil of his sauté pan reminded me of the spectacle of other miraculous sightings that seem to be more prevalent than even, “Biblical Times.”

Without fear of Muslim reprisals a la Salman Rushdie or Vatican censure, I offer the following items from an intellectual perspective as they seem to persist despite the heroic and ever continuing Michael Jackson post mortem(s).

Rumors abound that an Atlanta resident was recently in one of his favorite watering holes in Dunwoody, Georgia and having a BLT sandwich with his Belhaven Ale. When he took the top off the sandwich to properly garnish his lunch with salt and pepper, lo, there reposed the tomato with the unmistakable message ‘There is no God but Allah’ spelled out with its seeds and veins. This august citizen immediately secreted the tomato out of the restaurant and took it to the nearby offices of an Episcopalian priest / psychologist for examination. The priest invoked the spirit of Sigmund Freud and immediately pronounced the tomato a manifestation of our John Q. Public’s repressed sexual desires and recommended some dream therapy?

There were other similar sightings around the world to include school girl Sheila McMurtry from Aberdeenshire, Scotland who found an Allah is Great message in her haggis at the Waverly train station in Edinburgh. Now known as the Allah Haggis Chick throughout her hometown of Alford, she was hired by a local restaurant in Stonehaven to carry a placard for their daily menu. An inspiration for us all was her very specific revelation rhetoric, “I saw the phrase and I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. There were quite a few letters missing and it was hard to decipher but the message was very, very clear.” Folks, I’m not making this up!

Trekkers from England recently found a limestone rock near the summit of Ben Nevis, the highest point in Scotland and the United Kingdom (I dislike that term as they are far from united) which they asserted had been engraved with the word ‘Allah’ by the Scottish wind and rain. Though practitioners of the Freebased Church of the Living Will, these spirited hikers donated the iconic rock to the local mosque in Burnely. This started pilgrimages in earnest from points as far away as Jakarta, Indonesia. A spokesman at the local mosque offered what appears to be the standard response to any so called miraculous sighting, “We don’t consider it a miracle but it is certainly a blessing.” A local rock shop in Bolton-le-Sands in Lancashire is now selling “Allah Stone Replicates” estimated by some to be an exact duplicate of that famous and now iconic stone for $50 US. Local observers reflect that their business has been brisk though they have had some difficulty getting their Dover chalk/limestone Allah replicas through US customs.

Confusing to this writer and certainly Might of Right readers, is the realization that none of the above cited individuals appear to be fluent in Arabic casting some doubt on their claims.

There is even a clip on YouTube, Miracles of Islam which “documents” the miraculous appearance of Allah’s name in fruits and vegetables, flowers, on mountains, rocks, clouds, the ocean and even in the shape of a human ear. Other reports cite the word “Allah” on fish, a cow, potatoes, more tomatoes and even eggs and beans.

Some detractors might try and rationalize that the above sightings are proof that some Muslims are merely trying to confirm their faith by way of absurd fancies and puerile observations. That said it would appear that Christians, not to be outdone and the Shroud of Turin aside, have their own “miraculous sightings” to include one Toledo, Ohio mother and father team who while browning pierogis noticed on one heavenly pastry - the face of Jesus. What did they do? Froze it and later sold it on e-bay for $1,775. I’m sure that the proceeds went to charity…

The couple was apparently emulating a woman who sold that now infamous grilled cheese sandwich with “a vision of the Virgin Mary” on eBay for $28,000 dollars to the Golden Palace Casino. Yes, they’re the same folks who bought the pierogi! Golden Palace Casino has apparently put the pierogi with its travelling road show of oddities that includes Britney Spears' Pregnancy Test and bronzed baby poop. This can be nothing more than an intellectual breath of fresh air.

Despite what has been described by some as an attempt by the Vatican to “mandate silence as a first test of authenticity of these sightings”, they continue to manifest themselves. Sightings of the vision of Jesus and/or the Virgin Mary continue and have been noted in trees, clouds, windows, a pancake, a freshly made tortilla, stain on a Little Havana bank window, rocks, a honey mustard pretzel, toast, MRI scan and even in a pizza pan and a nacho warming tray, among others.

Ah, the miracles continue.

Aye,

Ned Buxton